I had my first doctors appointment with the ob/gyn a couple weeks ago. My due date is May 17th! Hopefully that comes fast because I'm sick of being sick!!! I also got my first ultrasound. I wasn't really expecting to see awhole lot. The baby is pretty tiny still. But, Justin and I sat there in amazement as we watched our baby flopping around on the screen! It was pretty awesome to see that! The technician said everything looked good and the baby was right in the normal range for growth.

I am going to a new doctor this time around. I have been referred to a doctor who specifically takes care of pregnant HIV poz women. The facility is so much better than the high risk clinic I was stuck at last time! But I am not sure how much I like the doctor. She had this way about her that made you feel like an idiot. The way she said certain things and explained things to me, like I wasn't aware of what needed to be done being pregnant and poz. I have been HIV positive for over 5 years now. I have an almost 3 year old negative daughter. I am aware of what needs to be done and how to take care of myself, not only while being pregnant, but just being poz in general. So I guess we will see how the next visit or two turn out. If I haven't changed my mind, then I guess its back to the ghetto high risk clinic for me! I am educated on this disease and I don't need to go to a doctor who treats me otherwise!

A couple weekends ago my little family drove to my hometown to see a parade they have every year as part of a festival they have downtown. We didn't go over by the vendors and rides or anything like that...just wanted to take Emily to watch the parade. Get us out of the house! We get there and during the parade it was the typical stuff...beauty queens waving, firetrucks, police, clowns...and then protestors?!

The parade is making its way through town and as it comes around the corner I see a group of people holding signs against abortion. They had on t-shirts with stuff about being pro-life, and a banner and signs with pictures of babies in-utero at different months. Now I do not care if you are for or against aborion. This isn't what this is about. I'm just wondering why they were even allowed to be in the parade? Families line the streets every single year. Its a yearly tradition kind of thing for many families around here to go to the festival and take the kids to watch the parade. What it really necessary to have anything to do with abortion rights in something like that?! I mean, they might as well have had a group for every other thing that people could disagree on....how bout throw some racist in there with signs? Or people with t-shirts telling everyone to be a certain religion or go to hell?! To me it was just absurd to have that in the parade. Yes, people have the right to their own beliefs and values, freedom of speech, but what was the purpose of allowing them in the parade? I was there, like many others I'm sure, to enjoy some family time. Take the kids to see some firetrucks and clowns and get some candy. Not have someone else values thrown in my face. That just really rubbed me the wrong way. There is a time and place for everything, and if you stand up for what you believe in, then great! Good for you! But don't try to shove things down peoples throats!

After that I am not sure we will continue with this little family tradition of going to watch the parade. It should be about having fun. For the kids. Not about anything political/religious/whatever. There are obvious things you shouldn't discuss at work and things like that...those are the same things that should not be paraded around for all to see!

My life....sleeping, sleeping, and more sleeping! The past month I've done nothing but sleep! I know that being tired the first few months is normal when being pregnant, but this tired?! When I had my daughter I don't remember ever really being this tired. Now I sleep on the couch every morning for a couple hours once I get Emily some breakfast and turn some cartoons on. (Thank God for the Disney channel!) I finally make myself get up to get her some lunch. A couple hours later she usually takes a nap, and if shes laying down, chances are I am too! Then we get up and I make dinner and somehow that next few hours pass and I'm ready for bed again! Its really frustrating because I haven't really been cleaning or anything. The dishes get done and the garbage gets taken out, thanks to Justin and my brother. But other than that, nothing. *Think dirty bathrooms, dusty furniture, piles of clean clothes needing put away* I just haven't the energy to do it.

Last week the nausea starting kicking in. Lovely. So on top of being extremely tired, and having painfully sore boobies mind you, I have been dealing with the feeling I'm going to throw up almost constantly. Pregnancy is just not something this chick was meant to do obviously! Justin and I have discussed it and this will be our last child. I had wanted three, but he only wanted two. I guess he's getting what he wanted then because I refuse to do this again anytime for the rest of my life! LOL

I had to go to Family Planning a couple days ago to take a pregnancy test and get a paper saying I'm pregnant so that I can sign up for medical insurance and make a doctors appointment. They gave me an estimated due date of May 17, 2009. Of course when I go to the actual doctors they will do an ultrasound and find out how far along I am. The due date will probably be adjusted by a week or two, but May is definately the month.

So thats about all that has been going on here. Sleeping and puking. Kinda makes you wish you were pregnant huh?! lol Will write more when I actually have something to write about other than how crappy I am feeling!

So its been awhile since I posted anything. Mostly because not awhole lot has been going on. The last couple weeks I have been feeling SOO tired. I lay around half the day. Sleep as long as possible in the mornings. I do nothing and still feel exhausted. Last week I think I may have found the reason why...I'm pregnant!!! =)

I have been thinking alot lately about trying to have another baby. Emily will be 3 in Feb and I dont want my kids to be super far apart. Now would be the perfect time! I wasn't expecting to actually get pregnant until after the New Year, but whats a few more months really?! I am really really excited. And really really nervous. On top of the things that normal people worry about when having kids, the pain, the baby being healthy, ect. I have to worry about how this pregnancy is going to go. When I was pregnant with Emily I was so sick the first 6 months. Then I got jaundice, shingles, and gestational diabetes. I would have little episodes where I felt like I was going to pass out. Not fun!!! So I am hoping this time is better, especially now that I have a 2 year old to chase around...I don't really have time to be sick! And then there the worrying about this damn disease. All the bloodwork that comes with being HIV and prego. All the bloodwork the baby is going to have to go through the first 6 months. And the meds you have to give the baby for the first 6 weeks. I didn't find out you had to give the baby meds until a week before Emily born. Talk about scary! So on top of trying to recover from a c-section and take care of Emily, and a new baby, I have to worry about meds. I will probably stop my meds for a few months after I have the baby. I did it with Emily too. Its just too hard to think about my meds when I have so many other things going on, like trying to get some dang sleep! LOL The baby needs meds every few hours. So on the rare occasion the you get some sleep, you have to set your alarm so you can wake up the baby and squirt some awful tasting crap down their throat. I think thats the big thing I am worried about. Its messy, stinky, and just bad! Emily would cry and choke on it. We tasted it and it isn't some cherry flavored stuff that isn't too bad. I looked up online and one of the meds they give to babies, adults have issues taking. They have given it the nickname, 'liquid gasoline'...and I'm supposed to give that to a week old baby!? *sigh*

My mom is supposedly trying to find a house here. I told her she needs to hurry up because shes on a timeline now! I'm gonna need her! My dad and Justin's mom both live within a few blocks from us, and nobody helped me the first time around. I'm gonna need some help this time! Plain and simple! So please please please pray that my mom finds a house here because I'm gonna need my mommy around!!!!

I go to Family Planning on Oct. 1st to take a pregnancy test and get verification that I am pregnant. Then I have to send in paperwork to get the medical card. I have no idea how long any of thats going to take, but I can't actually go to the doctors until I have the medical card. I hope the time flys past because I am anxious to get to the doctors and listen to the little heartbeat and find out my due date!

September 11th, 2001

Its a day we will never forget.

Or will we.....???

I watched an amazing show on the History channel this evening. It was pieces of video that several different people had shot of the events the morning of September 11th. Different viewpoints on what exactly it was like that day. Of course we remember what happened. We know what a tragedy it really was. The devastation. But have you actually sat down and thought about what those people were going through? How horrifying it must have been hanging out of a window on the 80th floor and deciding to leap out?! The 911 phonecalls that flooded in. The people crying and pleading in desperation for help. Someone come find me! Please! Hurry! Its gut-wrenching. The magnitude of what happened that day is incredible.

As I was watching the documentary I decided to see what other shows I could find that were showing something that had to do with 9-11. Do you know that I could not find a single thing? All the channels that come with cable television and only the history channel is showing something about this tragedy?! This American tragedy! I am outraged that I could find basically any reality show I wanted to watch, but only one channel showing anything related to this day in history! This is totally absurd if you ask me! What is this country coming to?! September 11th, 2001 was an important date in history. One where we should remember the people lost. All the firefighters who died trying to save people. The brave people who spent endless hours digging for survivors. All the people across the country who sat in shock and disbelief, frantically calling their loved ones. How soon we forget huh?

9-11 wasn't just one day in history. Thats not the entire story! That is just the beginning of the story. Countless men and women have lost their lives in the years since, defending our country! Families are ripped apart every day because someones husband, wife, son, brother is over seas. The story still continues. And to not see any other channels showing any programming related to September 11th is unexcusable if you ask me! Thats what is wrong with this nation! We need to unite as a people and remember all the lives that were lost on that day and the many years following. Show some grief. Mourn for our country a little bit! Take some time to think about the lives affected by this and about the people overseas who are fighting for you! Whether you support the war in Iraq or not, I do not care. We need to support the people and the families who are sacrificing for this nation!!!! If you don't support our troops then you need to pack your shit and find another country to call home!!! I am disgusted and completely outraged at how soon we forget. There should have been specials on alot more channels than 1! I understand there was stuff on in the morning. But what about at night? Just because its prime-time we have to show the new sitcoms instead of paying respect to the many people who suffered because of this tragedy?! That is appauling to me! What happened to the U.S.A?!

So we have been potty training for almost a week now. Needless to say, my house is covered in pee. Literally. The carpet has been pee'd on at least a dozen times. The high chair has been pee'd in twice. Justin chair has been pee'd on, and the bathroom just smells like urine as soon as you open the door. My basement is smells like pee because of the neverending pile of dirty towels and panties. Potty training is NOT fun! It is definately a challenge. Emily is doing better though and its only been a week...so I am hoping in a couple more weeks she will really get the hang of it and accidents will be alot less often. I am hoping. How do you teach someone what it feels like when you have to use the potty? Not easy! So I guess maybe next weekend I will be steam cleaning my carpet to get all the pee out of it. If you don't have kids yet, or your kids are too little to use the potty, you have no idea what I'm talking about. You will see when you have to deal with it. After going through about 8 pairs of panties and running to the bathroom all day, spot cleaning your carpet because of the dribbles everywhere, and then having to clean the waterfall of pee pouring off the high chair, then maybe you will know what I'm going through. I'm up to my ears in pee...literally!

 Several months ago I got into a fight with my best friend, who also happens to be my cousin. I'll call her "Jenny".  We didn't talk for a few months. Which was a HUGE deal because we usually talk at least a few times a week. Neither one of us has had an easy life. Growing up we both had alot of hard times and since becoming adults the same has been true. But we have always been there to support each other and help the other through. She was the very first person I told when I found out I was HIV positive.

The end of February, a short relationship she was in crashed and burned. Her ex decided it was better for him to get involved with her 17 year old sister instead. (Yeah, we have a messed up family) After all that he put her through in that short amount of time, then he runs off with her little sister. I sent him a message on the computer sticking up for Jenny, and telling him that I thought he was a pig and he ought to be ashamed of himself! He responded by telling me that he wasn't the one with AIDS! I sat in shock. Where did he get that information from?! There are only so many people that I told. I knew my cousin told him. Its not like its some huge secret, in fact, I'm at the point now that I could care less what people think about me. But that point was that in the little amount of time she had known this guy, she decided to run her mouth about MY personal buisness! I wasn't having sex with him. And I wasn't bleeding all over him. Why did he need to know that piece of information about me? Jenny called me and I told her what happened. Then I laughed when she tried talking about her problems and hung up on her. We didn't talk again for months. And I was happy with that. My best friend, the one person I really thought I could trust, and she stabbed me in the back. Now some loser scumbag knows shit about me that most my family doesn't even know. It's total bullcrap!

After a few months of not talking, I sent her a message online. Asking her if we could please talk now and not fight. That I missed her, and life is too short to not talk to the people you care about. You never know what each day brings, and its important to forgive people. She was mad that I freaked out and didn't ask her about it first. I appologized, and agreed that I should have said something to her before I just ignored her phonecalls. She never did give me an apology. We started talking again a couple months ago, and things are pretty much like they were before. Which is good, because we are basically the only people who know the truth about each others lives. What we went through. When we get down and out, we can talk to each other because we understand where the other person is coming from. I'm really glad that we are talking again. But I still felt like she owed me an apology. It is a VERY big deal to me that she betrayed my trust on something that is serious. Having HIV is a big deal. Theres alot attached to it. The stigma. The rumors. And now some guy I don't even know, knows about it.

Jenny is going through a hard time in her life right now. She is in a terrible relationship. Her boyfriend has anger issues. He punches holes in the walls and calls her terrible names. Its bad enough the things he does and says in front of their 5 year old son. But then he encourages the child to call his mother a whore. Its a real messed up situation. But he makes most the money, and Jenny is scared she can't do it alone. She has kicked him out like 3 times over the last few years, but he always comes crawling back. And she lets him. Shes confused by what to do, and if she can make it without him. Shes sad because she knows that once shes cut ties to this man, he probably will not be there for their son. And she feels like if she stays at least her son will have his dad.

The other day Jenny came over with her son and one of her friends/co-workers. Everyone was in the basement smoking, and I was upstairs with the kids. Well Jenny comes upstairs and tells me that her and my boyfriend were joking around about something and she mentioned something about us just getting over a fight. Then she was sitting there thinking, and was telling them how I was the one who reached out to her and apologized and wanted to be friends. She told them she never really apologized to me, and her friend told her that she probably should. So she comes and sits by me on the couch and tells me that shes sorry. She's sorry it took so long to apologize. And that she feels like a bitch. She just doesn't know what her problem is, or what shes doing with her life anymore. That was all I wanted. I knew she was wrong and she knew she was wrong. But she wouldn't tell me she was sorry for hurting me. But there she was apologizing. It came out of nowhere and was totally unexpected. With a lump in my throat, blinking away tears, I said to her, "apology accepted". I looked back and her and seen she was crying so of course I started bawling. We sat on my couch and talked and cried for about 20 minutes. It felt really good. I'm glad she admitted she was wrong and apologized. It was an apology that I felt I more than deserved.

After we fixed our makeup from our crying session, lol, we headed to the beach and let the kids play in the sand. I sat in the sun feeling so much better. There was a void I felt before. Something. A little guy sitting on my shoulder. Something between us that kept me from getting too close to her again. And now its gone. I got the apology I wanted. And she was able to admit she was wrong. Sometimes you have to swallow your pride. Be the bigger person. I'm really glad we got through this fight and are able to be there to support each other just like we were before. It's a really good feeling~

This past Saturday I suggested going to the beach for a couple hours after dinner. Emily has been talking about how she wanted to play in the sand. It had been miserably hot that day, but I was hoping after dinner it would cool off some and we could enjoy some family time at the beach. Lord knows there wont be many days left to hang at the beach before it gets cold and snows! Blah! So after dinner we packed up the car with a big blanket, a couple buckets and a shovel.

The beach was uncrowded which was what I was hoping for! The sun was partially hidden by clouds and the breeze coming off the water was fantastic. Emily immediately took off her sandals and headed to the water. Last time we took her she was afraid of the water. But there she was, standing knee deep in the water happy as a peach. I helped her pack some sand in a bucket and attempt a sandcastle. Ok, so I'm not exactly talented when it comes to building with sand! Justin walked up and down the shore looking for rocks to add to our castle. The sun started to set and the sky filled with beautiful hues of blue, pink, and purple. I sat in the sand looking out over the water. Taking in the sunset. Looking at Emily perfectly content, shoveling sand from one side of her to the other. Justin seaching for shells, ankle deep in the cool water. It was so quiet there. The sound of the water. The birds. The sound of my daughter talking to herself as she tried to make her castle higher. In that moment I felt pure contentment. I thought, this is what life is all about! Enjoying time with your family.

Last week Justin and I got into a HUGE fight. We rarely fight over anything, but this fight was BAD! Things were said that shouldn't have been said. Feelings got hurt. Alot of anger and misunderstanding. So perhaps thats why this little trip to the beach meant to much to me. It was us getting out of the house. No t.v. or internet. With our daughter, enjoying a beautiful view and enjoying our family we have created. Everytime I look at those pictures, I will remember the look of contentment and happiness on my daughters face. Her little dress blowing in the cool breeze. Walking around picking up stones and shoveling sand into buckets. The beautiful colors in the sky. Having the feeling that I am such a small piece of this planet. Just a tiny, miniscul piece. There is so much more out there. But I have everything I'll ever need!

For the last 8 years I have kept a secret. I'm sure I have told my fiancee, and maybe one or two of my ex's, but even then I haven't really told the whole story. The memories, the thoughts, the pure confusion. There are times in my life I think about it alot. Times I pretty much forget about it. But the times I sit and reflect are the hardest. I feel like I am not being completely honest with the people who are closest to me. And yet, I feel like I am doing the ones I love a favor by keeping it to myself. I am not sure why I choose to post such private things for the world to see but I am hoping to become a better person, a better mother, by purging this emotion out. Let it be known that something happened that was not ok! Let me explain...

When I was around 9 or 10  years old my mother got remarried. Obviously being a young child, alot of emotional things happen when your parents get divorced, and you now have a new parental figure in your life. But things got better over the years. My mom would take me and my brother on the weekend to her house. We would spend time with her and my step-dad. I thought of him as a father. They were together until I was 17 years old. He watched me grow up. My mother had 2 children with him. They moved to Mississippi. My brother and I would go visit in the summer, and once or twice moved there for a year or two. We both kinda bounced around between my mom and my dad while growing up. Usually we stuck together. If my brother moved, so did I. If I moved, he followed. We got along well with our step-dad, he had been in our life for years now. We looked up to him, for he was the only man in our life when we lived in Mississippi. But things fell apart pretty quickly after we moved there. He didn't work any normal jobs. We literally had nothing. I remember my brother and I picking apples off the trees out back just so we would have something to fill our bellies. We lived in a shack. The floor falling in. Cockroaches. We were laughed at and beat up in school. We were nothing. I dont think that anyone will ever really understand what we went through. There has been a few times that my brother and I have gotten into conversations about the past, and we both usually end up in tears. Its hard to think about. Its hard to understand. But that is another blog unto itself!

When I was 16 years old I moved back to Mississippi with my mom. This time, my brother did not follow. By this time, my mom and step-dad didn't have much of a relationship. He was lazy. She worked alot to pay the bills, and then came home and scrubbed the house. All the while he sat around the house and piddled around outside. They hadn't even slept in the same room for a few years. It was quite obvious that my mom was staying with him for my 2 little brothers. Right after I moved back at age 16, I realized just how bad their marriage was. They didn't even talk. My mom would come home from work later and later. It was apparent she was seeing someone else.

My mom had to go on a week-long trip for work. I stayed at home and helped take care of my brothers and the house while she was gone. I noticed some kind of tension between myself and my stepdad. I couldn't quite pin-point what it was, I just knew that I didn't feel entirely comfortable around him anymore. One day I was folding clothes and realized one of my new pairs of panties was missing. I searched all over. Wondering if one of my little brothers put them somewhere?! I found them, behind a shelf in my step fathers bedroom. Even though that was pretty weird, I brushed it off. They must have fell outta the basket or something. Right? Who knows. The day before my mom was to come back home I was sitting in the living room watching t.v. My stepdad was in there as well. I can't recall where my brothers were, but I'm pretty sure they were not in the room with us. I had on a t-shirt with a sports team logo on the front. He walked over to me and said that he liked that team. And touched the logo on my shirt. That was covering my breasts. I kinda sat in shock. And I felt his hand move. He was trying to go up my shirt! There I sat in disbelief. Was this really happening? I tried to speak but my mouth could not form a word. My brain was not working. My tongue would not move. Somehow I managed to say, "Stop it!"and pull away. He walked away and I hid in my bedroom. There I sat contemplating what to do. Do I tell? It wasn't actually like he did anything...right?! I mean, he tried to, but my shirt was there. But dammit! He should not have done that! Why? Why?

My mom came back and the next week we were packing our stuff and moving in with her new boyfriend, 2 hours away. I decided that I didn't need to say anything to her. Alot of things changed over the years, we moved again. I moved out. I still saw my stepdad from time to time. I would drop my brothers off at his house or pick them up. But I was never alone with him again and nothing else was ever said about that day. The first couple years I struggled with the question of whether or not I should have told my mom. Was it too late to say anything now? Would she think I was making it up since it was so long ago? One day my mom called me crying. My stepdad had cancer. It was really bad. He went through some treatments but the cancer had spread. My heart hurt so bad for my brothers. They were still so young. How do you explain to them that their dad is dying? My mom dealt with alot too. It was a very very hard time for our family. I think it was around 7 months later, he passed away.

I have never said anything to my mom about what happened. Its now been 8 years, but believe me, I remember like it was yesterday. The fear. The feeling of being violated by someone you trusted. Someone that watched you grow up. I go through periods of time and I wonder to myself, do I tell, or do I not tell? If I tell, what is there to gain? Maybe I will no longer have the feeling that I am keeping something from my mother. Something she deserved to know. And at the same time, whats the point really? Its been 8 years. The man is dead. My brothers are now growing up without their father. If I speak up now I risk tarnishing their feelings about their dad. No use hating someone who isn't alive is there? So I keep quiet, because whats the use in starting something that has been finished for years. But some days it eats me alive. And I sit, and think about that day. Not that long ago I was in one of those moods. Just down and out, and wondering what I should have done. (Now, you know how people on talk shows talk about how they went through horrible things in their childhood, but they pushed it out of their mind, only to remember years later? I always thought that was a bunch of crap. If it was so bad, how do you forget?!) So there I am pondering the past, and bits and pieces of my childhood came floating back. A time when I was young, probably 12 or so, my brother and I playing in our bedroom, and my step dad in there playing with us. I remember his hand on my thigh. Just playing, fine. But in retrospect, I am wondering why he was rubbing my thigh. Then a few more memories came where he was touching me, or acting a certain way. Never down-right molesting me, but inappropriate non the less! Things I have never thought about before. Is it because those incidents were something I deemed as playing and dismissed it? Or am I reading too much into it now? I honestly have no clue. The only thing I am 100% sure of is what happened that day when I was 16.

I don't know why he decided to touch me that day. Was he doing it to get back at my mom? He knew she was about to leave him. Was that his way of serving justice? I will never know, he was the only person besides me to know what happened. Sometimes I wish I could ask him why he did that?! He was supposed to love me as his daughter. Protect me. Instead he filled me with anger and confusion. I know the longer I keep quiet the harder it will be to tell. So I will probably never say anything. But its still something I struggle with. The questions I have. The anger. The pain. Why?! What was the purpose? He knew what he was doing. What was the reason?! When I think about him I feel disgusted and betrayed. I hate him for that! I might have been 16, but I was still a child. Looking back I can see things alot more clearly than I had back then. It should have NEVER happened, period.

You betrayed me. You betrayed my mothers trust. You betrayed my trust. If you were alive today I would probably spit in your face! Your family is content with your death, knowing you were a Christian man who loved his children. I know the truth. You had some disgusting thoughts running through your mind more than once. You are a disgusting person!!!! Did you realize that brief moment would affect me for the rest of my life? Make me question things years later. Sit and try to analyze things that happened so long ago. Thanks alot.... You really made an impact on me and my life...

I wanted to share some quotes I found in a magazine and have hanging on my fridge. Everyday I read them and it helps keep my mood uplifted and gives me motivation that I can achieve whatever I want to. Wanted to share.

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever" - Gandhi

"Some people want it to happen, some wish it would happen, others make it happen" - Michael Jordan

"As long as you're going to be thinking anyway, think big" - Donald Trump

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow" - Maya Angelou

"I never regret anything. Because every little detail of your life is what made you into who you are in the end" - Drew Barrymore

"If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain" - Dolly Parton

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself" - Anais Nin

Last night was like any other night as I got Emily ready for bed. I layed her in her bed and told her I loved her and goodnight. Came downstairs and talked to Justin for about a half hour and plopped on the couch with my book to read for a little bit. I flipped the baby monitor on to make sure she was sleeping and not crying or something. And I heard her saying, "Momma...Momma". She wasn't sleeping so I told Justin to go check on her. When I go upstairs she just wants to play with me. So he goes up and peeks on her and says shes sleeping. Hmmm, she must have been dreaming. I turn the monitor back on for a minute and hear her up there talking about. She wasn't crying but I wanted to make sure she was ok and not having a bad dream or something. So off Justin went to check on her again. He came back down and said she was still awake! She was laying there talking and when we walked in she stopped moving and got quiet. He told her it was time to go to sleep and she waved at him and said, Cya! LOL So now I'm sitting on the couch wondering why she wasn't sleeping. Usually within 10 minutes shes out.

I decided to sneak up there and she what she was talking about. I stood in the hallway and heard her laying in bed singing. It was the sweetest little singing I have ever heard. Her cute, innocent little voice, singing... 'twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are......' I sat on the floor by my bedroom door just listening to her singing songs. She fell asleep shortly after that, but I sat there and sobbed for probably about 20 minutes. How blessed am I?! I have this beautiful little girl who is singing in the most precious little voice. She is growing so fast! She once was a little baby who just layed there. And now my girl is laying there singing in her bed. It just really touched my heart. How precious she is. How blessed I am to have her! She is my world. My everything. I never knew you could love someone so much as your own child. That bond. I am so thankful to have her in my life and I cherish everyday I have with her. Most people wonder why their kids aren't asleep. I just sit and listen to that tiny voice singing in the night. I have everything I will ever need. I have the love of a beautiful little girl who means much more to me than anyone will ever know. I'm so blessed!

First off, I would like to say that if you have nothing nice to say don't bother responding! Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and opinions, and thats what this blog is about!

A few months ago, a family member of my fiance shows up at my house, with a terrified look on her face and a pregnancy test. She peed on the stick and a little plus sign appeared. She immediately started freaking out and mulling over the possible solutions to this problem. Was she ready to be a parent? Could she provide for this child? The answer was a definate no. Could she handle going through abortion? Would it be something she would regret for the rest of her life? Affect if she plans for children in the future? Possibly. Everyone at some point in their lives, feel caught. Stuck, utterly confused as you stand at the split in the road. Which path to take? The tears that followed brought back many painful memories and brought me right back to my fork in the road.

I helped her research information about abortion clinics and different procedures they have. One day while she was here looking up information online and making phonecalls my dad shows up. He kinda get a feel for whats going on, and once she leaves he tell me that abortion is wrong and disgusting! At that moment I don't think I could have felt any more ashamed or disgusting.

When I was 18 years old I had an abortion. Its not something alot of people know about, in fact, most of my family doesn't even have a clue. At the time I was living with my mom. No education. No job. My boyfriend at the time was an ex-convict who lived with his mother as well. No car. No job. Its kinda hard to find a job when people realize you are a felon. And there I was. Sitting in my bedroom all alone, crying. What to do? After a couple weeks I told my mom. She was shocked. I was scared. I felt very alone. My boyfriend was talking about getting us a place over by where he was from...a place they refer to as 'the hole'. Its filled with people in poverty. Drugs. Violence. Just not some place I would want to live, let alone try to care for a child there! In the end I felt like I have no other choice. I was scared, I felt alone, and I didn't know what to do.

The drive to the abortion clinic was nervewracking. I had no clue what was going to happen, or if I even wanted to do this at all. Two hours later we arrived. There were a couple people outside with signs, telling me not to do inside. That I would be killing an innocent baby. That I could have complications that may prevent me from having children in the future. I was terrified and wanted to scream to them that they just didn't understand. Did they think this was an easy decision for me?! It was hard enough without them standing there critisizing me. Once I got inside, I was shocked to see the waiting packed full of people! All these people are going to do the same thing I am going to do. Some of them were even smiling and laughing with one another. I felt sick to my stomach. Here I was, about to have a emotional breakdown, and these people were telling jokes and talking about what they wanted for dinner! After filling out paperwork, they did an ultrasound to see how far along I was. 10 weeks. Then they told me nobody else could go back with you. I had to do it alone.

They took me back, along with about 15 other girls/women, to another waiting room. We sat for a long time. One by one we were given pamphlets to read through about the process. After what seemed like an eternity we were moved to another room. One by one, we were taken to speak to a counselor about our decision to be there. I held my breathe and my tears and told the woman I understood what I was planning on doing. Then we were all given tylenol and moved into yet another room. I sat alone. I spoke not a word to anyone. The other females were smiling and talking. Browsing through fashion magazines. I sat alone looking out the window. They began to call people downstairs, one or two at a time. Eventually my turn was up. They gave me some more tylenol and took me to a weird looking hospital room. I layed on the bed and looked around at all the instruments laying around. I was alone. I couldn't believe I was about to do this! I was going to kill my baby. Why did I let myself get into this position?! I layed there while the nurse talked to me. Asking me if I was ok. Do you think I'm ok?! I'm at the abortion clinic! No, I'm not ok! And it happened. The doctor took the little suction thing, and the deed was done.

They moved me to another room. As I walked in, I seen the other females I had spent the day around laying on little cots. A heating pad on their stomach. And I became one of them. Laying in a little makeshift hospital room, rows of women with heating pads on their stomachs. After a couple hours I was released to go home. Walking back to the car I felt empty, yet kind of relieved. Later that night, I did not get a phonecall or anything from my so-called boyfriend. He obviously was not concerned with what I had just went through, physically and emotionally. Later that night I began to get bad cramps and bleed. I had medication to take to help avoid an infection. Eventually I stopped bleeding and getting cramps. Everything was like it was before. Well almost everything...

I will never forget that day as long as I live. I was young. I was scared. I had always wondered if I would be able to have children when I was ready. Years later when I tried to get pregnant by my new man, it never happened. Every test I would take turned out negative. And every time I felt something horrible in the pit of my stomach. Finally it came up positive one day! I was soo excited! I can have kids! The planning started. What name would we pick?! A boy or a girl?! But, the planning was cut short when a couple months later I had a miscarriage. I layed in the hospital bed crying. Was this Gods way of showing how much of a horrible person I was? Was I never going to know the love of having my own baby?

As you all know, I now have a beautiful healthy 2 and half year old daughter. Every week that passed while I was pregnant I would become more and more hopeful that soon I would become a mommy. And I did! I love my daughter with all my heart! She is my EVERYTHING and has taught me so much about myself and about life in general.

Some days I can't help but think...I would have a child that would be 6 years old now. My child would be six years old, if I hadn't killed it. And then I cry. I grieve. But theres not a whole lot I can do about it now. Would by baby have been a boy or a girl? What would I have named them? What would they have looked and acted like? I will never know. And its a painful thing. I have myself to blame, and believe me when I say I blame myself for everything.

Sitting here with this young girl, her tears bringing me to tears. The confusion. The pain. What to do? Years down the road will she sit and cry thinking about how old her child would be if she'd have let it live? The answer is probably yes. I hope thats something she can live with...I'm still having a hard time!

Did I make the best decision? I'm not so sure. Do I regret it? Absolutely. And in some ways, no. I wouldn't have been able to care for that child. But I should not have allowed myself to get put in that kind of situation either.My dad thinks that people who get abortions are horrible dsigusting people. I wonder what he would think if he knew what I went through when I was 18 years old. People make life changing decisions all the time. That was one my mine....

For about the last 5 months I have been studying for my GED. I haven't been in a classroom in 8 years! I quit school at the beginning of 11th grade when I moved from Ohio to Mississippi to live with my mom. Although my mom wasn't too pleased with the idea of me not graduating, she eventually gave into the idea that once I moved with her I would get my GED. Well that never happened. Life got in the way. I was lazy. Now I am realizing that I should have just gotten it over with back then...when things were still fresh in my mind, and before I had a family to take care of!

I worked at Dollar General for over 2 years, up until I was 6 months pregnant. They have a literary program that people would donate money to. Come to find out, it helps people learn English as a second language, and also helps people with getting their GED. I looked into the information and for $40 got workbooks for all the subject and some extra material to help with studying. I also have access to online materials to brush up on things even more. But basically I have been doing this alone. When I get an extra hour here, or 40 minutes there.

I am now pretty confident that I can pass all subjects...except math! I have always been terrible at math! I haven't even bothered to study for the last 6 weeks or so because I'm just so frustrated! I just don't get it! I look at these math problems and don't even know where to begin This is supposed to be general education?! Ya coulda fooled me! Justins sister stopped by yesterday and showed me some math formulas and some of that actually made sense. So shes gonna come over a couple times next week and help me some more! I am VERY thankful....I need someone to light a fire under my ass!

So thats my GED update. So close...yet so far away! I am hoping to take the test sometime in the near future...as soon as I think I can pass the math part. Then I am planning on signing up for classes to do Medical Coding. It would be a perfect job for me. You do it at home, online. That way I can still be a stay at home mom, yet work part-time and bring in some money! And then I figure that it will be a good career to be in many many MANY years down the road when my health perhaps isn't the greatest...I can work the hours I am able to, at home, in my pajamas! That is the plan...now to see if I can stick to it!

After talking to my mom about my lovely fireworks experience, she agreed I needed a new camera. Not only do I send her alot of pictures, seeing as how she lives in another state, but she also wants me to go look at some houses she is interested in and take pictures to send to her. I owe her some money, that we borrowed when we moved into this house. The plan we to pay her back when we got our stimulus check. Well it finally came. She told me to pay her back what I could after I got another camera! Soo I was still able to pay her back over half of what we owed her, plus got a new camera! I'm excited Its a Nikon Coolpix. I love it and cannot wait to try it out! And its better than my last camera...so that kinda makes up for the fact that it went MIA.

On a side note, as my mom and I were sharing tales of our fireworks experience, she told me she seen my ex there. The one that gave me HIV. He was sitting not far from her, with some nasty girl, and they had like 1 year old twin boys! I wonder if he told her he's poz? I wonder if maybe she doesn't have it? Or maybe she does and has no clue....and then one day the babies will get deathly ill and she won't know why...? Let me remind you that he does not think like a normal person. In his mind, if he pretends it never happened, it didn't. God he makes me so sick. Its been years and just the thought of him makes me want to throw up! I know what kind of person he is. I know what kind of people his family is. Its just a sad, disgusting situation.

My holiday weekend. Started out really good. We spent the extra long weekend just relaxing and spending time together. It was nice. The weather had been just about perfect every day. We went to the park one day and ate ice cream and Emily fed the ducks bread. And giggled most the time  Yesterday we walked up to where they were having the parade. Got tons of candy! Today was a relaxing day filled with swimming, cooking out, and fireworks. Fireworks didn't start until 10:30, and I started feeling sick around 8:30. Not sure why, just felt really yucky. Sucked it up and we were on our way. Justins mom and brother rode with us since their car broke down earlier. Getting sick was just the start of a bad night!

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1. Not feeling too great

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2. Going to fireworks with Justins brother who WHINED the ENTIRE time we were there. And even had the nerve to get snappy with me when his mother went off in search of some food. So I got to listen to him WHINE and WHINE the entire time we were there. Yay me!

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3. Fireworks started and we had an AMAZING view...right behind a huge fucking tree! Excellent!

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4. We walk back to the car and Justin discovers our digi cam was not in his pocket. He went to find it but of course couldn't. So now I have no camera, and no money to buy one anytime soon. I used my camera practically everyday...not anymore though!!!

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Yeah, so basically all in all, I had a really crappy time tonight and have a feeling I will be up half the night because I am just too pissed off and annoyed to even think about sleeping!

I sincerely hope everyone else had a better time than I did!